Dear Anyone Holding Your Breath for Spidey Coming Back to the MCU,
Quit it. Exhale.
That’s it. That’s the story. It’s not happening. Not all of Dr. Strange’s mystical ways are bringing the webhead back to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Turns out that fiscal spat and phallic tug-of-war between Marvel and Sony has expired.
What’s sad? No one wins. And the fans got screwed.
Sony Pictures was at Variety’s Entertainment and Technology Summit this week (as of the time of this posting). There was pomp. There was circumstance. There was probably an open bar and Sony Chairman and CEO Tony Vinciquerra was feeling himself.
So, he dropped the million-dollar sound bite when discussing the recent financial imbroglio when he said, “for the moment, the door is closed.”
“We had a great run with (Feige) on Spider-Man movies,” the Sony chief said. “We tried to see if there’s a way to work it out….the Marvel people are terrific people, we have great respect for them, but on the other hand we have some pretty terrific people of our own. Kevin didn’t do all the work.”
Translation: Disney wanted more money. Sony just wants to keep up. Everyone got greedy. Tom is beholden to the suit. Everyone has movies to make. And, uh, screw the fans.
Of course, trying to keep the olive branch from snapping like a twig after a Minnesota winter, Vinciquerra “insisted there is no ill will” between the two production houses. (And if you believe that, I have the Zapruder footage to show you about that JFK guy. I’ll sell it to ya.)
There was no agreement. How much money did Venom make? Now, how much did Avengers: Endgame make? It’s like the filthy rich people say on Shark Tank, “Would you rather have 100% of a $20,000 business or 60% of a $1 million business.”
Both wanted 100% leaving the fans with no option but to take a boot right in the stinkwhistle. These big-headed movie bosses could have made mad money, if only they agreed on a mutually beneficial plan. They couldn’t agree, so they left Tom Holland holding a bag. Sure, Venom 2 is coming. Morbius isn’t far behind. And that could have been a colossal cash-grab, because we’re nerds, but we’re also sheep.
Marvel puts something out and we go to the box office, as if on automatic pilot. “New movie? Marvel? Must. Go. Movie. Give. All. My. Cash.” It’s cool now to say you’re boycotting Sony Pictures, but the day Sony releases a Venom v. Spider-Man movie featuring Tom Holland…you know you’re going. Quit being sanctimonious. You’ll spend your cash like the rest of us. Baaaaa-Baaaaaa. (Again, we’re sheep.)
Read that image one more time. “Pretty much everywhere.” Yeah, just not in the place that made you! When you think about it, this is ridiculous. Spider-Man is like the parable of the prodigal son. Dude has this glorious home and all he has to do is go the hell home. He can’t because, well, he can’t find his way back.
Fans can’t point the way, shout at Spider-Man, or even call his house and provide directions to the pig slop trough where the Web-Slinger is located. They don’t answer the phone or care to hear what anyone has to say. Remember that bag Tom Holland was left holding?
That bag belongs to the fans now. Disney is done talking about it. Sony can’t stop letting us know about it.
According to the report, Vinciquerra “bullishly expressed” Spider-Man (and their pocketbook) will do “just fine.” He bragged about Into the Spider-Verse and even tried to connect the future of Spider-Man to the Sony-Amazon series The Boys.
Essentially, he was puffing his chest to note that Sony is no slouch and they can indeed rock a CBM just like Marvel can.
“Spider-Man was fine before the event movies, did better with the event movies, and now that we have our own universe, he will play off the other characters as well,” Vinciquerra said. “I think we’re pretty capable of doing what we have to do here.”
There’s that word again: “Fine.”
The Sony Grand Poobah really needs to work on his promotional skills, because fans really don’t give two turds to see a “just fine” movie involving superheroes. We want a blustering array of “awesome,” “fantastic,” or even “OMG!” Instead, we get a warm helping of “Meh.”
Of course, Tom Holland suggests there’s nothing to fear. Remember?
“Sony has also been really good to me, and the global success of Spider-Man: Far From Home is a real testament to their support, skill and commitment,” he added. “The legacy and future of Spidey rests in Sony’s safe hands. I really am nothing but grateful, and I’ve made friends for life along the way.”
So there’s that. Things are fine. Tom Holland has some new friends. Sony has more movies coming, without the help of MCU creators.
And, uh, oh yeah… screw the fans.