Dear (Particular) Comic Book Movie Enthusiasts,
No, not you. Not the one who enjoys these movies given to us by DC Comics, Marvel, Image, and the others agonizing to get in the multiverse money grab for what they truly are — amusement. You can see these films, detect some of the issues (i.e., plot holes, character foibles, script detours) and still find a way to be glad you saw it.
You understand we live in an amazing world where we are privileged to spend a little money and get so much in return. These larger-than-life superheroes and their diabolical villains are alive! They traipse across the screen just as we remember them laid down on a page of a graphic novel. And you sit there in splendor with the rest of us enjoying every minute.
Well, not every minute.
I mean, we will still feel the bruises from sticking forks in our eyes after watching Green Lantern, Howard the Duck, or whatever the red and black hell that first iteration of Deadpool was in X-Men Origins.
No, I don’t mean you.
There is this other gaggle of geeks out there. You know who you are, though you will never admit to it in a public setting, because you know…cowardice.
You are the surreptitious and sanctimonious asshats who have some fairly rigid beliefs. While you don’t have an inkling of the talent of those you blithely criticize because their vision doesn’t meet to your approval, you persist to shout at anyone who may be in the vicinity of your drivel that some directors, actors, screenwriters, and even production houses should no longer be in charge of bringing comic book movies to the masses.
I mean you, and … well, you suck!
Now, if this doesn’t apply to you, enjoy the free memorandum. Yet, if you find yourself getting a little perturbed over what little has been written so far, you may be just the person to whom this letter was written. No, no, don’t leave. Just sit there in your wrongness and read. There is a serious problem in the universe, and only you can stop it.
We’re talking imminent danger and, much like Luke would beg in misery, “Help us Obi-Wonder-What-the-Damn-Hell-Are-You-Thinking…are our only hope.”
Your Petty Petitions
So, there I am, sitting on my couch looking for some fodder about entertainment in nerddom when I noticed something in Change.org. This is a website that serves a purpose, but like with any public purpose, dolts get in the way and ruin it for everyone.
Petition: Remove Amber Heard from Aquaman 2.
Amber Heard is a certifiable nutbar, if you absorb TMZ like Charlie Sheen’s liver does alcohol. And, since you wrote this petition, I won’t bore you with details. Suffice to say, you spare no expense going into full stalker mode discussing her tumultuous relationship with Johnny Depp and other off-screen ballyhoo concerning her taste in men and the random bottle of Boone’s Farm.
So, for her sins, you write to Courtney Simmons, SVP of Publicity & Communications for DC Warner Bros and Paul McGuire, Corporate Communications of DC Entertainment: “They must not ignore the suffering of Heard’s victims, and must not glamorize a domestic abuser.”
Again, you suck. DC is not “glamorizing” domestic abuse; they employed a domestic abuser to be a character that lives underwater. To be fair, half of Hollywood are whack jobs and yet, they have better gigs than all of us. It’s the way of the world, regretfully.
But that leads me to why I hope you read this letter seriously: You do this inane crap all the time. And by “all the time,” I mean, get a damn job or something. Don’t you have anything better to do than stir up your acolytes out there?! You know they don’t have any sense and will follow just about anything you say or write, but perhaps, that’s why you are more Jim Jones and Charlie Manson and less, well… no, that’s what you are.
And the Beat Goes On
Of course, you remember writing this masterpiece: Have Danny Devito play Wolverine in the Rebooted MCU. Look at you smiling in pride because you got 45,000 signatures for this. G’head. High-five your friends who have a collective IQ slightly below the Kardashian family. There are other Pulitzer Prize-winning gems I’d like to point out:
Speaking of the aforementioned Deadpool, you addressed a petition to have the potty-mouthed assassin host ‘Saturday Night Live’. For your trouble, you were rewarded with more than 75,000
cult followers…eh, supporters. Funny? Sure. Necessary? Hell, no.
Seriously, you homer, let it go! The movie was made. It wasn’t what all fans were expecting, but damn…just shut up about it. Oh, and quit trolling Rian Johnson on Twitter while you hide behind an egghead avatar. Really ballsy.
No, no…wait. There are more triumphant showpieces I wanted to address with you, but I’ll make it brief because I’m sure you would like to petition to force Disney to sell Star Wars rights. Oh wait, sorry. You did that already. Way to go.
- That time you, more than 20,000 of your blunt-force-traumatized ilk, petitioned Netflix to cancel Good Omens. And, you never cared to research that ‘Good Omens’ wasn’t even theirs. It is Amazon Prime’s work, you dunderhead!
- Brie Larsen. Two words that puckered your skidmarked behind, so much so, that you wanted Kevin Feige to yank her from Captain Marvel…that was already made because “she has the personality of a corner houseplant.” (Said the pot to the kettle.) It made more than $1 billion, so I think Feige is good.
- You wanted HBO to completely rewrite Season 8 of Game of Thrones “with competent writers.” Of course, you’re talking about those ham-handed dopes David Benioff and D.B. Weiss. You know? The same guys who denied an eight-figure deal from both HBO and Disney to sign a nine-figure exclusive deal with Netflix. Yeah, too bad they aren’t competent. What is your job, by the way? Fry guy at Burger King? Even though this earned 1.79 million signatures, and may be your magnum opus, nice try. Well, you tried here, here, and here also. (Like I said, you still suck.)
- Remember when we saw how really sick in the head you were when you had a Japanese company launch a campaign for humans to “marry their favorite comic book characters”?! I need to stick my 3D foot straight in your stinkwhistle, you perv.
- We have eight planets (nine, if you’re old school and think Pluto got the shaft), yet, you wanted the government to spend $850 quadrillion to make a real Death Star. Moving on…
- Never mind, Avengers: Endgame was the most profitable movie of all time. You determined Marvel made a mistake in killing off Tony Stark, so, let’s bring him back to life in The Eternals or some such.
- Apparently, you’re into gaming as well. ‘Dear White House, Please make a statue of Master Chief and place it on the White House lawn.’ Because…’Murica? Dafuq?!
You even recruited a few of your closest dork pals to petition DC Comics and Warner Bros. the moment Robert Pattinson was announced as Batman in Matt Reeves’ new flick. Admittedly, I wasn’t sure initially, but if you take a look past Twilight, dude can seriously act and you, seriously cannot. Yet, there you are, recommending your latest boy crush to helm Bruce Wayne. Please, shut up! Hell, even Twilight personally endorsed him:
— THE TWILIGHT SAGA (@Twilight) May 17, 2019
So, there’s that. And, do I really need to discuss your boldest and proudest achievement: #ReleaseTheSnyderCut. Seriously, where do you get all that cash anyway?!
Admittedly, it’s safe to say that we don’t get along. You think I’m a self-righteous windbag and I believe if you were on fire caused by a stormtrooper’s blast, I wouldn’t piss on you to put it out.
That notwithstanding, you need to stop making these petitions!
You do not encourage healthy discourse. You are not responsible for change. You have the bad attitude of a spoiled brat school girl and spread hate with a cropduster.
You and your chums should channel that energy for positive things, like do we really need another McDonalds, Starbucks, or another Spongebob movie? C’mon!
But, I digress.
Sure, there are things wrong in Hollywood and I agree that some moves these comic book powerhouses make are absolute lunacy (they do have a point with the “Josstice League,” WB and DC…just sayin’). However, sit down, relax, and have a nice, warm glass of ‘Shut the Eff Up.’
These petitions are clearly getting out of hand and need to stop breeding angst and hate directed at real people with real feelings. Sure, you’re upset, but to go on Twitter just because you can? Grow up, diaper boy.
You’re not a “passionate fan.” You are a cheap hack, a bully. Plain and simple.
And while you simmer on that, one last thing: Just because you can make a petition and gain some accolades and followers, doesn’t always mean you should.
You spawn malice. You start fights. You pick on people and hide behind a cyber wall of insecurity and pusillanimity. Often, you create havoc before you have done any research, seen a movie, or given two seconds of thought behind what you are writing.
You can do some good out there, I’ll give you that.
Like what you did getting Universal to go back to the drawing board (literally) to remake that ink-stained accident Sonic the Hedgehog.
Man, you were pissed, but there wasn’t a petition. Sure, you flung many an expletive on social media, but you were right. And look what happened: They fixed it.
With these various and sundry petitions, you target real people, folk who work for a living (unlike most of your buddies) and most of them are really talented. We all make mistakes, but when was the last time someone petitioned you to get your business thwacked off because you cheated on your girlfriend? No? Hasn’t happened? Okay.
Sure, The Last Jedi wasn’t what most of us thought it would be. Yes, the verdict is still out on “Battinson” (but he’ll crush it, despite what you think). Of course, GOT 8 fell off a truck jumping over a curb instead of wrapped up with a bow. But, to petition it?! You have better things to do. And if you don’t, find something.
These are getting old and it’s not a good look for fans. Real fans. Those who understand for every Infinity War or Joker we get, there will be a few turds blocking the pavement like Fantastic Four (either one) or Ghost Rider (again, either one).
We get lumped into your steaming piles of crap — I’m talking to you Star Wars, GOT, Marvel, and DC “fans”. There are legions of douchenozzles out there ruining this experience for the rest of us.
For the love of Stan Lee, excelsior your ass away from the computer and stop what you are doing. Give things a chance to breathe. And, if you don’t like the way something ends or appears, talk to your friends — don’t petition. It is harmful to some people and you end up hindering the very thing you want to make better.
The Other Side of Nerd Fandom (and we are many)