Dear Aspiring Star or Starlet Who Has Hurled Out a CBM Casting Call,
Please, for the love of Stan Lee and Malcolm Wheeler-Nicholson, find a comfortable spot in the middle of your Papasan, grab your remote, and open a refreshing can of “Shut the Eff Up!”
Recently, we were reading in the “news” that Paul Wight (fka “The Big Show” of pro wrestling fame) believes he is a “shoe-in” for the role of ‘Kingpin’ in the Marvel Cinematic Universe whenever they get around to bringing Daredevil back to the big screen.
(We understand Marvel is a little hesitant following that fart-and-fall-down moment Ben Affleck gave us.)
Evidently, bloggers aren’t certain how to decipher cryptic fanboy missives out there. When Wight said he believes he is a shoe-in, it was all 100% hope as shown in the ComicBook.com interview.
The one that really I’m looking at it, I would love if they do a remake, I’m definitely going to go after pretty hard is that they do a Daredevil remake. And I’m going to definitely go after Kingpin pretty hard. I think Kingpin’s a shoe-in for me.Paul Wight, comicbook.com, July 2020
He’s 6’10”, 450 pounds, with size 22EEEEE feet. In the comics, Wilson Fisk is 6’7″ and 450 pounds, so yeah, Paul Wight may be a great fill in for this larger-than-life villain but let’s be clear — he wants to be Fisk. He isn’t a shoe-in. Dude can just cleanly fill his shoes.
Not News: CBM Casting Call
Whether he gets this role or not, no one knows right now. Surely, we can give this up to “The Fancasting Room” (even though any vote against Vincent D’Onofrio is an incorrect vote), but we don’t want to waste your time, let’s discuss the premise of this particular open letter:
This is not news. Ever.
Think about it: Some B-lister or big time celebrity a few million short of purchasing some private island realizes when opening the door there is no longer paparazzi there. Suddenly, the enamored acolyte known as “your publicist” magically decides to leak a press release about your sudden desire to land a starring role in one of the easiest ATM withdrawals in anyone’s career — the comic book movie.
Why does this angling catch headlines?
Doesn’t everyone understand your scheme of desperation? You haven’t made a blockbuster movie in a while and you take a look at the box-office bonanza that occurs every time when a CBM hits the big screen. Et voila, here’s an idea: Call your agent, create a fictitious CBM casting call, and try to get into a comic book movie.
The single largest box-office haul in history was Avengers: Endgame at $2.8 billion. Hell, even Sin City managed to wrangle $158 million. Every comic book movie makes money. They may not all break budget, but they all bring in a nice draw. So, why wouldn’t you want a part of that action? Of course you do but why does this work every single time?
Just My Desperation
Do you tools remember a few months back when this point was proven loud and clear? The thought that whenever some washed-up, recently broke, or star in need of some love wants a trek to the ATM they call upon Marvel and DC Comics?
May I present her former majesty Meghan Markle?
Following the drummed-up ballyhoo of “Megxit” begin thrust down our throats, we hear news of Meghan Markle upset that she’s no longer considered royalty — and no longer in possession of all the coin that comes with it.
Now that her and
Prince Harry are nestling in the states with baby Archie, Meghan decided she needed a little extra pocket change so The Sun reports “…her agent, Nick Collins, is reportedly busy trying to secure her an offer.” To add to the kerfuffle, “He’s actively seeking such a movie for her. He’s saying she is available and open to the best offers.”
Well, of course she is available. The woman doesn’t have a job!
And for her troubles of this CBM casting call, every paper on the planet reports her interest. The only people who weren’t interested was Marvel and DC Comics. Again, who in the hell cares?!
- Terry Crews notably said “he’s game” to play Luke Cage. While Cheo Hodari Coker could have done well with him and his brawn, he went with Mike Colter who was fantastic. And yet, the world knew about Crews’ hope.
- Megan Fox is no strangers to dirty old men. The semi-talented eye candy was already in Jonah Hex, Transformers, and TMNT, but she was prattling on about wanting to be a big draw in a comic book movie, so her CBM casting call went out to GEN 13’s Rainmaker, a lesbian Native-American superhero. And that got on FOX News. (Yes, the home of Roger Ailes. Go figure.) Of course, she didn’t get it so went on to say ‘Wonder Woman’ was a lame superhero. Thanks Megan. No butthurt for you.
- Jake Gyllenhaal, an accomplished actor who needed to purchase a number of rare vehicles, offered up a personal CBM casting call to be Batman. Yet, we heard about that too.
- Ronda Rousey, recently ousted from UFC tried her hand at WWE. While she wasn’t bad at that, she knew the rent was due, so her CBM casting call was on Reddit to play Carol Danvers as Captain Marvel. We got a snootful of that one, much to the chagrin of Ronda who got to watch that talentless hack, Oscar-winner Brie Larsen in the role.
The point is this: It should not be news because you want to be in a CBM. Unless you are the emperor of your own kingdom with a limitless supply of cash (or Jeff Bezos), we know you want to be in a comic book movie.
We get it. There’s a nice payday coming if you are so blessed if Marvel or DC Comics calls you. We know. Do us a favor? If you get the role, then–and only then–is it news and worthy of a headline. Until that moment, you’re like anyone else looking for work…
Unemployed and searching for a check. See why this isn’t news now?
The Geckaphiles of America Who Can See Through Your Crap